Tuesday, February 19, 2013

you forgot to put the cap back on your pen

dear mary elizabeth, it has been harder than you can imagine not to speak up until now. in the recent months i've come to know you so very well. i dont think it was by mere chance that we should meet on the day of your birthday. i am so thankful for the home that you have given me. forgive me if i sound too forward, but i must say that the hours i've spent lying on your soft bed and plush pillows have been some of the most peaceful moments of my life. and your hand upon my back provides me with immeasurable comfort. i adore the sound of your laughter and lament the sounds of your sorrow. which is precisely why i've delayed what i must say. but i know i can not do so any longer. there comes a time in everyones life in which they are in need of some tough love. my lovely mary elizabeth that time has come for you. willingly i have lent an ear or a shoulder as you require. i have listened to you pour out your heart and soul day in and day out. said nothing as you drench my front with your crocodile tears. yes,crocodile,my dear. though the world feels entirely tragic and dark to you. it simply does not live up to the drama you portray. this mysterious "one-particular-boy", that i have heard more than i care to about, is not mysterious. you have known him practically you're entire life. here's a little newsflash for you. if you list off his favorite musicians as lady gaga, elton john and barbra streisand, he is not"an old soul with a taste for the future." he's gay, honey. i dont know why you catholic school girls have such a hard time coming to terms with these sorts of things. i mean this should've been more than obvious to you when he came over after school one day in the eighth grade and you guys played dress up and he painted your nails. those were far too flawless for any straight man. i mean come on! the guy owns more lipgloss than you! he's a little more than "artistic." so no, i do not think that "such a well dressed man" would be interested in taking you to the upcoming dance! and you might as well uncross those fingers, that kiss is never gonna happen! so stop dieting for him. or dieting at all really. you're ridiculously obsessive. its unhealthy. i mean look in the mirror some time your bones are practicly sticking out of your skin. sweetheart im concerned. im beginning to think that we may need to find you some professional help. finding a guy and falling madly in love is not the most important thing in life. it actually ranks fairly high up on the list of stupid things people have done in the history of ever. it makes people act a damn fool. love will find you when youre least expecting it. dont build your life around any one person. build your life and perhaps you will find a neighbor to build a new life with. i really wish you could just patch things up you're ex-best friend mary catherine. by the way that term is so juvenile i dont care how sophisticated you think you are. you guys were so good for eachother i think you understood how the other one felt without having to say it out loud, and you've got to admit you used to have so much fun. remember last summer down at the lake you guys practically lived there. im sure you guys could just laugh about all this. im sure she's forgotten all about that embarrassing incident with the water balloons and her bra. i mean it was just a childish prank. in front of her entire family and thirty or so of your peers... okay no. brutal honestly mary elizabeth. tough love. it was a total dick move on your part. you were a complete and total ass. you need to apologize. and it probably wouldnt hurt if you somehow manage to publicly embarrass yourself in the process. i dont have anything specific in mind but you should give it some thought. whatever it is its gotta be epic. sure you'll have to live with a few years of ridicule and she may or may not forgive you but that doesnt mean you shouldnt try. you guys were friends once. best friends. and thats got to count for something. look im not gonna lie to you. high school is a pretty rough place. its awkward and scary, youre probably always gonna cringe when you think about it, but its not the entire world. its such a small part of it. its a place for you to scrape your knees, scar your psyche and try to learn something along the way. dont get sucked down in its depths. find a rock to cling to and keep swimming. remember that you are young, enjoy being a kid and embrace the infinite future waiting for you. love always, your dear diary. ps. i broke like all the rules in the universe to write you this message and it may very well be the last thing i ever do. so you sure as hell better listen.

Friday, February 8, 2013

hemingways famous bet

      here i am stuck in my crib AGAIN! how come tommy is never around when i need him?! tommy is my brudder, thomas micheal truman. he's my bestest buddy in the whole wide world. i've been knowing him since before we was borned. my names charlie by the way. charlie andrew truman. me and tommy turned two not too long ago and thats about the time all the trouble started. you see once you get to be a certain age those grown up people start thinking they've got to train you. they want you to talk like they do and sit still and go to the toilet and be quiet and my goodness theres soooo much to remember! i dont know how we're ever gonna do it. they're so pushy about it too! these grown ups think they know it all. at least i have tommy.  lyndsy acts just like them. so bossy and shes not even a grown up yet! lyndsy is our big seester. lyndsy lee truman. she doesnt like us very much. she never lets us play in her room or touch any of her shiney things. she's what the grown ups call a teemager. i think it means shes full of magers. i dont know what a mager is but they make her awful mean. like yesterday when me and tommy when to see what she was doing. we didnt even go into her room we just stood outside and looked at her. she saw us and started yelling and chased us away. she told on me but not on tommy. maybe she likes him more than me. thats when momma decided it was time for me to have a time out. i didnt know i was having a time in. grownups i tell ya! where in the world is tommy? he's sposed to be my partner in crime. we got a system for escaping these situmations. he bends down i climb over and then pull him over with me and we're free. maybe he's practicing his toilet training. personally i've had that whole thing figured out since we were one. its just that i cant go with all those people watching me! its too much pressure! so what's a diaper wearing fellow to do?  tommy gets it. wish i could make those grown ups understand, then i wouldn't be stuck here in my crib. stupid time out. where is tommy?! lyndsy walks by talking on her talky square "stupid baby brother was in my room again he's sooooooooo andoying!"  im not stupid! lyndsy's andoying! me and tommy are gonna get her good just as soon as i figure out how to get outta this crib. daddys home! he comes and rescues me because thats what daddys do. i sit in his lap and he pulls out a book of pictures. i like this game he points at the people and i guess who they are. the first ones of him and momma, then theres one of lyndsy when she was me and tommys age. boy was she ugly! then there's a picture of her holding me when i was a little baby she looks like shes gonna throw up! the next one is a picture of momma and daddy and lyndsy and me. where's tommy? i say tommys name so daddy hears me. he looks at me like he didnt understand. so i say it again louder."tommy!" daddy looks like he's gonna cry. i didnt even pinch him or anything. then i see tommy sitting in the corner. where has he been?! ill interrogate him later right now i need him to fix daddy. i think he's broken. his eyes are all leaky and his nose is sniffley. "tommy!" daddy looks right at him and says "charlie no ones there." 

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

phil collins and the eternal sunrise


i dont know if you've been fortunate enough to witness the sun rise over the river bridge of not, but it is certainly a sight to behold. the light slowly peaks out from the corners of the sky, the shadow of the sun slowly rises behind the mountain and all of its glory is reflected on the glistening waters below. in this light at the break of day everything looks full of hope as though anything is possible. even the everyday barges that pass under the bridge, look like shining ships embarking on their maiden voyages to new exotic lands, its exactly the sort of thing that makes you believe in some sort of divinity.  its a terrible traffic obstruction! people slow down to a crawl, just staring out their windows in awe. some idiotic dreamer or hopeless romantic cant peel their eyes away and inevitably will ram their car into the fellow in front of them and the police and emergency response vehicles and damned insurance adjusters show up and photograph and document all the little details of the scratches or paint scrapings and we end up adding a special report to our radio programs just for "accidents." throughout the years there have been innumerable "accidents" along this one mile stretch of road. that is the thorn of the rose. quite a deadly beauty that all manners of men and beasts would flock to. which is exactly why i avoid this route to work. the details escape me now, but it could be avoided, there was a flood or some other intrepid force of nature that rendered my usual quiet platitudinous drive impassable. the drive in was quite aesthetically pleasing with relatively little sign of "accidents." the drive home was a bird of a different feather. what do i get for stepping out side of the lines going against the grain?! the thickest fog in forty years. exactly forty years to the date according to the radio broadcast. if i thought traffic crawled in the morning haze of the sun, i was sorely mistaken. i felt as though my car  only moved fractions of an inch every few hours or so. it was agony and i was exhausted. i stared out into the fog, so thick that the center of the bridge disappeared in its grasp. i cursed myself for allowing myself to be caught in such a web of torment. i did nothing to land myself here. ive lived a quiet simple life. why would whatever divine forces there may be, see fit to trap me here?? sulking i fix my eyes on the road ahead of me, or what little of it i can see and slowly drag forward. bits and pieces of old memories float and fly through my head none of the dots connect. i see something lying in the road ahead, a single dingy saddle shoe. more bits and pieces swirl. then i see a red sweater. all pistons are firing but none are hitting their mark. and then i see the smashed bicycle wheel. and all the gears snap into place and its 1973 im driving home from work the windows are down its a hot muggy night and the thickest fog i've ever seen is rolling in. a blur of red, a shriek of terror, a loud splash and a dingy saddle shoe hits my windshield, i hear a cry and i drive forward inching my way across the one mile stretch. fast forward back to 2013 and a river drenched girl wearing a red sweater and a dingy saddle shoe appears in the road before me i swerve the car with a shriek of terror and a loud splash. yes the sunrise over the river bridge is certainly a sight to behold.


Friday, February 1, 2013


san bernardino county coroners office
the body was discovered by june williams and her son steven in the basement of the ballarat, california jailhouse. the following document was found on the body of john doe # 39-08

    the post card arrived today. i couldnt believe it when i saw it. i mean it simply wasnt possible.well of course it was possible. anything is possible. but it certainly wasnt probable. the post office closed down in 1917, but i suppose the mail still runs out to rocky. gotta fill out the census every ten years or so and then theres always taxes. the government always has to have some sort of in'tel on a string. especially after that run in with john doe #39-04 dont think the local badges' pride could take another round of that.still getting snickers and head shakes from the feds. poor old rocky will talk to anyone. god knows he's lonely. i mean who could blame him after george died. im sure potlicker and brownie are some company, but they're probably not the greatest conversationalists and definitely not as easy on the eyes. looking the way she does, how could he say no? maybe i should have sent her to st. kilda instead.it doesnt matter. she would have found her way back eventually.. she always has. i dont know what made me think sending her to the desert would be any different. i guess maybe i thought it would give me some time to breathe. to think. i thought that i'd be able to buy enough time to come up with a solution. i cant make us both happy. the world she wants is one that i dont belong in. i wish i could  explain that to her without making her angry. its so easy for her to lose control.  theres a million things that i love and adore about her. but im starting to realize that we've grown apart. opposites attract. at times we are the balancing forces we need to stay afloat. yet more and more often i get the feeling that we really are too different.  that i cant be myself around her anymore. the things that  make me the happiest annoy her. and any little thing can set her off. i knew  it was wrong. not just morally but karmicly. issac newton and his apple continue to be infallibly right.but she had a little too much to drink and was in a fighting mood and whats the point in having mob connections if you never use them? i couldnt deal with it. i called big toney. he showed up with the doc. they gave her a shot and took her for a ride and that was that. until today. the post card was a picture of a tumbleweed and read: "read the writing manson left on the wall. dont drink the water! see you soon"  i didnt think it was possible, but she did it. she actually lost what was left of her mind. the horrible thought settles in about the time i hear the sound of a rusty 4-wheel-drive pull into the driveway.