Janus pays a visit

the choice for "j" was easy today
i woke up with the name Janus on my lips

not because i'd spent the night looking for a "j"
but because i was thinking of everything going on in my life right now, nothing life altering really
just your generic distractions like shifts in location, work structure, family dynamics, habits, etc.
a to z has truthfully just scribbled in somewhere in the margins this go around.

Janus is of course from Roman mythology
he is the god of beginnings, transitions, gates, doors,
passages, endings and time.
he is usually depicted as having two faces.
not because he is thought to be deceitful
but because he looks to the future and to the past.


i myself remain preoccupied with the past and present.
my thoughts of the future as of late, are limited to how the past and present might affect it.
planning is not something i've ever excelled at.
things like leases ending, have a habit of sneaking up on me.

i suppose i always thought that there were just a few preset turning points in our lives.
milestones.
times of change.

it never occurred to me that life would go off script
write in it's own points.
that they would catch me when i least expected it.

im not fond of change.
it stresses me out.
i get horrid persistent knots in my stomach.
and down right stubborn.
stagnant water or not.
but i suppose i've tired of the stench
and find my life evolving and changing
well perhaps its not so much my life, but me that is changing.

i feel different.
im not sure how exactly.
i don't know if its good, bad or neutral.
i just know that im aware of it.