Zielchmerz-the exhilarating dread of finally pursuing a lifelong dream which requires you to put your true abilities out there to be tested

procrastination is my forte

i can drag out planning and preparation for an event for days on end

over analyze every little detail even when i know its as good as its going to get

the best it can possibly be

i have the ability to find something that needs redoing before i start

i have an endless list of excuses at my disposal 

and im good at it  i mean REALLY good

because secretly im terrified to begin

the inevitability of commencing looms over my head like a dark cloud

i know i can only delay it for so long

a myriad of failure painted pictures scrolls through my mind

and echoes in my eardrums

the amplified sound of my own heartbeat

my face turns a deep scarlet 

as my voice raises a few octaves and begins to quiver

my hands start to shake 

and then
then i try something new
step outside of my comfort zone
and i am better for it

Ymophobia-fear of contraiety

why is it that humans feel the perpetual need to be right?

always?

even when we know we're wrong

we will go down with a sinking ship or burning house

before we'll even consider admitting there was a spark or a leak...

does admitting you're wrong from time to time

decrease our alpha ranking in the hierarchy of species?

 probably not.

but it sure is infuriating

and embarrassing

and if theres one thing that our species cant abide

its our own embarrassment

there have been times when i've been in an argument with someone

and halfway through the argument i realize that im wrong

but by this point i've already committed to the argument

and generally made an ass out myself 

and i cant back out and admit it

so i just keep digging myself deeper

such prideful beings are we

  “All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Xeno- the smallest measurement of human connection, typically an exchange with passing strangers but also experienced with aquaintances, fleeting and random but still containing powerful nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling lonely

i do a lot  of traveling for work

i generally  get along with people i work with

i mean you kind have to on the road, right?

in all honesty they really get on my nerves

but id never say 

theres one guy who i swear never stops talking

from the moment we get into the car 

till long, long, long after

im lucky to manage the occasional 

"uh-huh"

the second i close my hotel room

is the first breath of peace i get for the day

its exhausting

the whole pretending to care thing

i dont mean that in a condescending way

well maybe i do a little bit

its just that the things this guy talks about 

you an only feign polite interest for so long

and the poor fellow means well 

he's just got this habits of repeating himself

and carrying on in technical jargon 

i've heard about his medical history more than id care to

 his joke reel is really short and plays on loop

regardless of the response he receives

 to put it mildly he's very opinionated

his taste in music leaves something to be desired

and so does his hygiene after a few days on the road :(

but i've got to admit after spending the evening on my own

listening to the thoughts in my head

it is refreshing to hear another human voice

not exactly my first choice when it comes to voices 

or conversations 

or smells

but i suppose the company is reassuring in a way

Waldosia-condition caharacterized by scanning faces in the crowd looking for a specific person who would have no reason to be there, your brains way of checking to see if they're still in your life

 

 when you miss someone, do you ever feel like you see them everywhere?

even when you know that they're a million miles away from where you are

you convince yourself that you saw them or someone that looks just like them

you point it out to whoever you're with at the time and of course the person 

disagrees with you because in reality they look nothing alike

you just want to see them so your mind believes it can

it picks out little vague things and clings to them

like the same color of hair or similar body build

things that could belong to anyone

but to you its the one you miss

its a cruel trick at times

c'est la vie

Venustraphobia-fear of beautiful women

i had alot of note scraps on this phobia yesterday but i didnt get around to actually writing anything
my assumptions on those suffering from this phobia were that they were generally
people whom felt inferior or unworthy of beauty
the whole wanting what you cant have
realizing you cant have it and denouncing it thing that people do
 or those who were insecure about themselves
and therefore feel benevolence towards people they perceive to be superior to them
doing a little research i found that to be fairly accurate
theres apparently a trend in youtube videos right now
where people talk about their fears and mental disorders
i kind of got zapped into it and watched several different ones
and even found one on venustraphobia
its kind of interesting to hear about the phobia from a person who experiences it
some of the videos are very personal and candid
i would consider myself to be a fairly private person
so its mind blowing to me just how much personal information people put out there
i think some people use the platform as a way of getting things off their chests
theres more than a couple of mixed up kids reaching out for attention
and then theres a few people who are farther along their journey through their fears
and are speaking about their experiences and what they've learned
to tell others that even though the road is hard it is not hopeless
who knows what those heartfelt words can mean to someone
i hope they hit their mark.

Urophobia-fear of urine or urinating.

a healthy adult on average urinates about 4 to 7 times a day

its such a normal part of our lives most people dont think about it twice.

some kids have trouble potty training because they're frightened of something new

or because their older siblings have told them horror stories about alligators and other monsters

that lurk in the sewers waiting to come and gobble them up... 

but most people grow out of that.

our body has alot of pre-programmed responses to fear

quickened pulse, sweating, crying, goosebumps
 throwing up, fainting, freezing, blushing,

nervous laughter and of course there is the origins for phrases like

"i literally peed my pants i was so scared"

as adults we tend to grow out of our childhood fears 

and approach our fears in calm rational ways

you know, like avoiding them

very seldom do we encounter things that truly strike fear into our hearts

and lets be honest with ourselves most people are too desensitized

to even bat an eyelash at things that would've mortified our 3 year old selves

its nothing for us to turn on the news and see some sort of violence

im sure none of you even flinch when an actor is shot or a car explodes on a tv drama

in fact its kind of expected, an action movie is not an action movie without 

some sort of shoot-out scene or half a dozen explosions 

the bigger the better

it takes looking a real life tragedy in the face for modern day humanity to 

even feel the smallest glimmer of fear

think about it.

not to be insensitive but,

were you really afraid when you first heard about the boston bombing

or was it after you saw the faces of the victims that those physiological responses kicked in

did seeing their faces make it more real to you? 

 did you imagine what it would be like if that was your family?

was it then that you found your seat a little damp?

if you take away the media attention to the tragedy

and all you knew is that there was a bombing attack in boston that left three dead

would it still affect you in the same way?

i  mean 3 victims, that doesnt sound all that bad right?

thats even two less victims than the famous boston massacre in 1770

after all the horror that mankind has shown its capable of 

holocaust, genocide, war, hate,  murder, rape,

looking back at that event many would say it wasnt much

their faces unknown, their names i myself had to look up

Samuel Gray, Samuel Maverick, James Caldwell, Crispus Attucks, and Patrick Carr

but history books still write about it because it was horrific

five lives were lost, it was a completely unprecedented event in history

  something to be remembered to warn future generations of

do not repeat our mistakes

"those who cannont remember the past are condemed to repeat it."

-George Santayana

"i've got news for mr. santayana, we're doomed to repeat the past no matter what. 

thats what it is to be alive."

-Kurt Vonnegut

Trumspringa-the temptation to step off your career track and become a shepherd in the mountains, a hypnotic diversion that allows your thoughts to make a break for it and then wander back harmlessly to your cubicle.

i dont care how hard of a worker you think you are

you're still a human being...

well that is assuming you havent been replaced by a robotic drone

the possibility is more realistic than you think 

and if that were the case then you probably wouldnt be reading this blog

because robotic drones dont have thoughts or feelings

and information about theses attributes does not compute

allow me to digress

even the most diligent of workers, at some point in their busy week 

find themselves in the need of a trumspringa.

maybe not necessarily the whole shepherd in the mountains bit

but something equally innocuous 

a completely different life than what you lead

a more simplistic one

something that relinquishes you from all those responsibilities

and allows you for a moment in time to feel weightless and worry free

something to give you a the boost you need to make it through the week

its a day dream of sorts

just a little mini-mental vacation

and its nice while it lasts

Slipcast-the default expression that your face automatically reverts to when idle

im in the habit of people watching

almost to the point of creepiness

not that i do it to be creepy or stalker-like 

as my significant other often accuses.. 

im just curious i cant help it.

when im driving down the road 

i cant help but look into the cars that pass me by

i try to avoid staring but i often do it without realizing

different facial structures and expressions fascinate me

i love looking at the little quirks that make a persons face unique

their deep dimples, cleft chins, birthmarks, scars and freckles...

when i was in school i had a multitude of faces to study

i probably couldnt remember some of those peoples names 

if my life depended on it but i remember their faces 

their happy face, their im up to something face, 

their i am so about to be grounded for life face

and their everyday slipcast

some of them were very content 

as though they couldnt help but smile

no doubt bitten by some puppy love bug

some of them always looked slightly worried

as though they were always trying to work through 

some nightmare of an algebraic equation

many of them wore the faces of perpetual boredom

shuffling along in their zombie like state

some of them looked like wounded animals 

skittish of all who pass them by just awaiting the next attack

i've been told my own varies between wanderlust

and what i can only describe as the way

you squench up your face when you have a headache.

guess it depends on the day.

people often worry over they way they look in the morning

spend gross amounts of time primping and preparing themselves in the mirror

you worry about how you're going to look when you meet someone for the first time

over analyzing everything from the cowlick in your hair to the scuffs on your shoe

but when you think you're alone, or when your thoughts take you away

the way you look to the outside world is the farthest from your mind

as it should be.

but thats what makes the joy of people watching so fascinating

because when people let go of that worry, a tiny glimmer of their true selves show through 

Rollover Reaction- when your dreams about somone you know skews how you feel about them all the next day.

ever find yourself in trouble with you're significant other
for something you  didnt do?
apparently you committed an unforgivable
transgression in their dream
that you are completely unaware of
but must now suffer the consequences.

you find yourself in a hopeless situation
unable to redeem yourself in any way shape or form.

and the most agonizing part of the whole fiasco?

you will never ever know what you supposedly did or didnt do in their dream
because they're either too pissed or put off about it to even talk.
go ahead and pile on the silent treatment.
the perfect icing on the cake.

damned if you do, damned if you dont.

Quadraphobia-fear of quartets or being drawn and quartered.

oh what a queer dream!!
i was being drawn and quartered by a quartet
for failing to stop and listen as they played, so it would seem.
they took themselves quite seriously, but none so much as the fellow with the cornet!

Panophobia-fear of everything

and father time said unto the quivering boy:
"what are you afraid of child?"

replies the child:
"my father i fear all manners of evil, 
the multitudes of monsters, 
the corruptness of man,
i fear those who have been long gone yet still linger,
the furry spiders with their sharp bite,
the hissing serpent at your feet,
the towering heights of the heavens,
the endless depths of the darkness
that engulf me as night falls,
and all that i can not see or know."




"my child is there anything you do not fear?"

"no my father."

Ouranophobia-fear of the heavens

throughout theology and mythology
heaven is usually defined as a sacred place or state of being,
often the dwelling of the god or gods,
a reward for people who lived their lives virtuously
its usually depicted as a paradise of sorts
located above or beyond the limits of the ordinary world
ruled over by a deity floating on clouds

in dantes divine comedy he journeys through the 9 rings of hell,
purgatory, and heaven ending up in a garden of eden like place

in modern christianity heaven is where upon their
deaths dutiful and pious christians
spend their afterlifes in bliss awaiting the rapture
the final resurrection of christ
and the end of this world

in norse mythology heaven is called vahalla or hall of the dead
here those who have fallen valiantly in combat are rewarded
as they await ragnarok
a time when they will rise up and join forces with the gods to defeat all evil

in hinduism and buddhism the equivalent of heaven is nirvana
a state of profound peace of mind free from suffering
in hindu philosophy nirvana is a union with the brahman
for buddists the word nirvana is literally translated as "blown-out"
when a person reaches nirvana they have reached
absolute enlightenment and no longer need to exist


in most cases heaven appears to be a very blissful place
but i suppose its also an end and perhaps thats what people find fearful

of course fear of the heavens could refer to fear those who rule the heavens
zeus with his lightning bolt sitting smug high on mt olympus
and then of course theres the army of archangels to carry out gods wrath
armed with spears and flaming swords
sure to strike fear in the hearts of all who behold them

when children are misbehaving people often say
"someone needs to put the fear of god in them"
fear of the heavens could very well be the fear of god

and it's been said that religion was designed
as a way of controlling the masses
so fear of the heavens could also refer to the fear of religion
or more accurately the fear of being controlled
the power of fear in our lives is quite amazing.


"love is what we were born with. fear is what we learned here."
                 -marianne williamson

Nementia-the post distraction effort to recall the reason why you're feeling particulary anxious or angry or excited

im not really big on holding grudges,
im actually quite terrible at it.
i tend to forget all about being mad at someone
and most of the time they've got no idea i was ever cross with them.
i should mention im probably not the best at communication either...

 or as a very good friend of mine once said
" you dont tell people what you really think
until its too late or you are already too pissed
to talk about it. you're too complacent with
things that are important."

probably the truest statements anyone has ever made about me
and this friend of mine made those when we were only 17
several years later they still ring true.

part of its my very libra tendencies to avoid
confrontation and maintain the status quo
part of its the way i grew up,
the school of "sit down you're rocking the boat"

and part of its just my ADD
 
i can go to bed angry, then wake up and think
"i was angry about something but i dont know what,
 guess it wasnt that important"

its hardly ever that important
and everyone gets so worked up about it.
i've never really got it.

when it is actually really important people tend to
tip toe around things or avoid them all together.

rather counterproductive dont ya think?

luckily though, there exists a few magical moments where humanity
decides to speak its mind and the whole world listens.

http://listverse.com/2008/06/01/top-10-great-historic-speeches/

thats when we learn, thats when we grow.

Mahpiohanzia-the disappointment of being unable to fly.

this is one disappointment
that i personally have still
not gotten over. (see about me)
im not sure if i ever will.
im certain that i was meant to fly.
but all the faith hope and pixie dust
has yet to work.
so i keep dreaming.
after all whats so bad about that?

Lalalalia-the realization while talking to yourself that someone else is within earshot, which leads you to crossfade into mumbled singing

just a typical saturday morning


okay im gonna do this
im gonna walk all the way to the gym
and when i get there im going to open that door
and when i open that door--

"I SEE A RED DOOR AND I WANT IT PAINTED BLACK!!"

how many freaking kids do they have??
i cant stand all those kids
they need to shut the hell up!!
wheres there mama at??--

"MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!"

Kenopsia-the eerie forlorn atmosphere of a place thats usually bustling with people but now is abandoned and quiet

it's there in the emptiness of  a theater
long before the audience arrives
there is an energy pulsing through the emptiness
an energy that lingers long after it's gone
and waits to be reawakened
the performers just beginning to gather
their voices as they enter quickly falling
in reverence of the silence.
it doesnt last, it never does.


ever miss the bus home while you were in school?
did you walk back in to try to phone your parents and suddenly became aware of the silence?
no slamming of lockers, shouts, or trills of laughter,
gone too, is the constant hum of chatter and shuffling footsteps.
just the quiet.
did you feel uneasy?
get a since of foreboding as though you shouldnt be there?

ever driven past your morning commute late late at night
and been amazed at how quickly you drove through?
not another soul on the road, no honking,
or radios blaring except perhaps your own.
would you reach over and turn it off just to listen?
or would the sound of your tires on the pavement  make you too anxious?

ever go for a run through the neighborhood before the stars made it to bed?
did the echo of your footsteps sound like loud claps of thunder?
the  sound of your heartbeat like distant drums
the awareness of their sound somehow makes you fearful.
of what?

we're  taught to fear the silence.
it is in all the scenes in movies and books where the young girl goes down dark alleyways
or walks into a seemingly abandoned building, calling out into the silence
"hello? is there anybody there? hello?"
only to be answered with her untimely death by the hands of  whatever man or beast awaits her.

chances are that when you're alone you've got
some sort of sound playing in the background
find yourself calling people for no reason,
the radio or tv that you're not really watching 
just comforted by the company of sound.

what we're really afraid of is being alone.

Japanophobia-fear of the Japanese/Judeophobia-fear of Jews

homophobia
xenophobia
these are not fears.
they are prejudices.
lets get that straight from the start.
the use of the word fear as a crutch to hide your hate
is beyond sickening.
i refuse to believe that a real fear exists in any
individual that claims these "phobias"
disgraceful.
perhaps there's a general feeling of discomfort
around these individuals because of the guilt
we feel as a human race for treating people
in such a horrific manner.
good.
it's not supposed to be comfortable.
if it is then we might need to redefine
what qualifies as humanity, starting with your exclusion.
the guilt isnt mean to weigh you down to your darkest depths.
it's there to be a nagging splinter in your hand, so that you cant forget.
you must always remember.
the past can not be changed.
what has happened, has happened.
now we as a human race must live with ourselves.
and remember our mistakes, so that they will not be repeated.

Ideophobia- fear of ideas

what is an idea really?

its a thought, a concept, or mental impression,
a suggestion to a possible course of action.

it is not corporeal or material
its not really anything
just a thought.

so why the fear?
perhaps it is merely fear of the unknown?

the power of an idea is infinite.


imagination is probably the singular most
important thing that we as humans possess

it allows us to see and
explore the universe.
to create and build
invent and innovate 
to entertain and explain
to grow and to thrive.

without it where would we be?

letting blood for the common cold?
writing with ink and feather quills,
still pushing carts with horses,
cavemen in the dark
or dust??????

this fear is what prevents society from being all that we can.

fear of anything that is not like us,
different oppinons, thoughts or feelings than our own.
subliminal messaging teaching our youth that different is wrong.
conform or be outcast.

why?

"i wish that we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time"
-dcfc, marching bands of manhattan

maybe if we could all see everything all at once,
see the other side of the stories,
where people come from,
what they want in life,
if we could feel how they feel
if they could see what we see,
feel what we feel
then maybe we would finally understand
then maybe the human race stands a chance at not destroying one another.

just an idea.

Heartworm-a realtionship or friendship that you can't get out of your head, you thought it had faded long ago, but it's still somehow alive and unfinished.

everyone has that someone,
that you just cant seem to forget.
no matter the distance you try to put between yourselves.
all the miles and miles you run.
all the time in the world doesnt seem to help.
even if you havent seen them in years and years.
even if you know too much has happened.
that you cant go back to where you were.
even though you know in the pit of your stomach
that you arent right for each other.
that moving forward is in your best interest.
you get up every single day and tell yourself
that today you wont think of them.
their name wont cross your mind,
you will not miss them.
all the lies we tell ourselves.
distractions are futile.
you've tried to move on before
but you're heart wasnt in it
and you've left heartache in your wake.
now you're afraid to try.

so you carry with you always
the heaviness in your chest.

loves thorns.
it won't be the last.
though you will never forget
this too shall pass.

helminthophobia -fear of being infested with worms.

Gnossienne-moment of awareness that someone you've known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life that will remain maddeningly unknowable to you and you have no way of knowing exactly where you stand.

i'd like to think that i know most of  the people in my life fairly well. 
i know what they like,
what they dont,
what buttons to push
how far i can push them,
how far they'll push back.
i know how they behave in relationships,
when they tell me about a new affection
i can tell whether or not they're serious.
i know their types
i've seen them head over hills
and i've seen them hurt.
i can almost always tell
when somethings bothering them.
over the years ive built up
an arsenal of jokes sure to
cue their laughter.
i know all their stories,
their dreams
hopes
and ambitions.
i've seen what they're capable of.
and let me tell you i've been extremely fortunate
to have some of the most amazing people
swim through my life.
they comfort me,
make me laugh,
encourage me
and boss me around when i need it.
i know these people as well as anyone can
and they know me.
and they are love.


and then there's you.

Fitzcarraldo-an image that somehow becomes lodged in your brain and grows into a wild and impractical vision that keeps scrambling back and forth in your head waiting for a chance to leap into reality.

always always
always always
all the time!

never ending
thoughts of mine.

where do they come from?
where do they go?

hell if i know.

Eisoptrophobia-fear of mirrors or seeing ones self in a mirror.

there are millions of childhood fears people eventually grow out of
fear of the dark, monsters hiding under your bed, getting into trouble...
then there are those fears that find deep roots in our childhoods and grow strong.

that is the case with this fear.
its one that im seldom likely to admit
because when i say it aloud it seems
well, childish.

for me this all goes back to the bloody mary game.
im sure everyone's played the game at some point in their lives
or at least is familiar with some version of  it.

some versions say her origins came in 1892
about 4 years after the jack the ripper killing spree ended
mary conolly a well known alcoholic and prostitute
was brutally murdered by one of her clients
her throat was slit ear to ear and she was left to bleed to  death
her murder confessed and was justly hanged
but according to legend she was troubled in death just as she was in life
and still seeks vengeance for her troubles
those who call her spirit are doomed to meet the same fate by her hands

but legends of "bloody mary" existed at least 3 centuries before

queen mary I "bloody mary" upon her ascension to the throne
made it her life's goal to return the church of england to roman cathloicism
she carried this out through lethal force.
she had over 280 religious dissenters burned at the stake
at least 100 of which were protestant leaders.
it's said that the rage she unleashed on them
is rooted from her anguish of being unable to bare a child.
she suffered several miscarriages
and ultimately died from ovarian cancer at the age of 42.

queen mary I is also believed to be the origins for the
nursery rhyme mary mary quite contrary
with the line "how does your garden grow?"
referring to her lack of heirs.

the game calls her spirit by her name three times
taunting it with things like "i've got your baby"
she is said to appear in the mirror in a distorted form
full of rage and the ability to continue her bloody reign
starting with your death.

i was probably around the 7 years old, i couldnt have been older than 8
when a group of kids at my daycare convinced me to play the game with them
i had goosebumps before we even started
all of us piled into that tiny bathroom
my heart raced as they called her name
it was pitch black in there you could scarcely see your hand in front of your face
they ran screaming and laughing from the bathroom upon the 3rd time
promptly locking and barricading me in there alone.
the power of imagination is quite strong, i dont believe i actually saw anything.
the story alone was beyond frightening
i truly believed that mary was coming to get me.
i screamed and pounded on the door for an unknowable stretch of time
before one of the workers finally came along and let me out
never mind the group of kids who locked and barricaded me in there
i was harshly scolded and punished
for yelling and not using my inside voice.
i didnt tell my mother for fear i'd be in trouble for getting in trouble.

till this day the fear of mary prevents me from
walking into rooms with mirrors while the lights are off.

and as such i dont spend much time looking in a mirror
just a quick glance to make sure my  hairs laying flat enough
or to see if i have any food stuck in my teeth.

rather silly, i suppose. 
kid stuff ya know?

Daguereologue-an imaginary interview with an old photo of yourself, a figure frozen in time, who spends their days wondering where you are and what you're doing now.

just imagine.
h.g. wells would be proud.
modern science has invented the technology
to allow you to revisit any point in your life.
provided there's a picture of it, that is.
for a nice lofty sum, you can gain access to one of the new scanners.
simply scan your photo, and it produces a digital copy.
then you plug the digital copy into your computer
and now you have to ability to talk to yourself as you once were.



not exactly what you were expecting?
well progress doesn't always come in leaps and bounds
sometimes baby steps are better for the whole of mankind
i mean imagine an actual time machine hitting the commercial market
it would be absolute bedlam!
megalomania would run rampant through the masses.
forget about the butterfly effect.
we'd wipe out all of existence in the short span of a week.
and that's being optimistic.

this modest technology only expands a bit on the moments already suspended in time.
it doesn't allow you to alter the course of history.
or see things that you havent seen.
it's not about the next bold adventure.
it's just a new way to relive old memories.
if there's anything more marketable that money, sex, and power.
it would be nostalgia.
especially in a society where the people are living longer and longer.
the  majority of people over the age of 60 tend to be a bit dissatisfied with their quality of life.
unable to do the things that they once could and find themselves longing for their misspent youths.
is there anything they would've changed?
maybe so or maybe not.
ultimately they tend to look at those long gone days through rose colored glasses.
seeing things more how they would've liked them to be and less as they were.

given the opportunity to relive those days they'd happily empty their pockets.
but would they be satisfied customers?
would the conversations they'd be able to have with themselves make them happy?
or would the realization of reality be too much?



the old man who tells his great-grandchildren the story of his football championship glory
whose handsome youth sheepishly admits he sat on the bench his whole career.








the vain woman who swears upon a stack of bibles
that her beauty is all natu-ral
her photograph ticks of a list of cosmetic surgeries
 she's had thus far in life.









the lonely widower looking forward to hearing
his wives voice once more
only to hear that she'd been sleeping with another man since their wedding night.

heart-wrenching and life changing.
the backlash would be outrageous.                             


the industry would go under overnight.

people dont want the truth.
they're quite content with their lies.

one baby step forward and five giant leaps back.

Contact-high-five- an innocuous touch by someone just doing their job, that you enjoy more than you'd like to admit.

"It's the sense of touch.
In any real city you walk, you know?
You brush past people, people bump into you.
In LA nobody touches you.
We're always behind this metal and glass.
I think we crash into each other just so we can feel something."
                                                -CRASH, 2004







think of the reassuring nurse who pats you on the arm
and tells you not to worry that the shot will be over before you know it.
in that same instance they swiftly poke you with the needle.
you hardly felt it wincing only for a fraction of a second and its gone.
now remove that tiny little arm pat
and delete those simple words of  kindness.
what you've got left is a silent person in a white coat
waiting to poke you with a needle.
--because that's not creepy at all.


i think the words mean just as much if not more than the touch.
take away  the touch and leave the words in the above scenario
and the creepy factor isn't present, take away the words
and leave the touch and it's could be taken different ways.

the desire present in us is not necessarily a physical one, it's emotional.
what we crave is a connection.
an echo of what we put out into the universe.
something that reassures or encourages us.


words hold infinite power.
they can build you up and break you down all within
 the whispers of the most insignificant syllables.

the simplest "hello" or "thank you"

the smallest silence.

all are potential life changing moments in someones timeline.

the only problem is that
everyone has their own interpretation of signals
and a lot gets lost in translation.

Backmasking-instinctive tendency to see someone as you knew them in their youth

our family still participates in the antiquated tradition of decorating graves.
i say antiquated because every time i've mentioned it to someone
i receive a bewildered slightly creeped out look
none of them seem to know what im talking about.
we're a little old fashioned i suppose.
but for me its always been the norm.
some of my earliest memories are of us walking through the graveyards
my parents reading out the names on the stones and saying this is your
grandfather and grandmother, that is your great-great grandparents,
your cousin, your uncle, your baby aunt...
its an annual thing. typically falling around the time of memorial day.
the graveyards in which our loved ones are buried in have what they call decoration.
im told its short for decoration day, which is the former name for memorial day.
traditionally the day was meant as a time to honor fallen soldiers
by decorating their graves with flowers, flags and such.
but decoration honors all who have gone before us.
there are two primary graveyards that we visit.
one for my fathers side of the family and one for my mothers.
not all of our family members are buried in theses places but most of them are.
about a month before the day we start collecting artificial flowers 
alot of thought and time is spent building our collection
make sure we have enough boy flowers
lets get something fun like a pinwheel for the kids
and dont forget the yellow ones! grandma sure did love her yellow roses."

the event is usually followed by a BIG family barbeque
at my aunt and uncles house in the country.
so many relatives! so many hellos and hugs and a great sea of folding chairs
"do i really know all of these people?"
their "summer house" is located about half-way between the two cemeteries
and within walking distance of the creek where i learned to swim.
where my brother and i spent our summer hours chasing crawdads
and building moats around my aunts feet.
at night the grown-ups would sit in the soft glow of the porch light
talking, drinking coffee eating my aunts sugar-cinnamon pound cake.
i can still hear their sounds,
the symphony of crickets and frogs
the cidicas (katie-dids as they called them)
the distant train whistling in the wind
if my uncle's brother came over there was sure to be music 
the soft melodic rumble of my uncles' voices
guitars and mandolins picked
cousin eddie would play the saxophone if you asked him just right.
sometimes there were tears but mostly there was laughter.
and my aunts trademark laughter once it started it took forever to wind down!
they'd tell the same stories over and over
every once and a great while they'd recall another one to add to the playlist
always about their youth and our deceased relatives
remembering the good ole' days.
the whole atmosphere just made you feel so connected almost as though
everyone you were related to was there with you that you were all one.
i slept well on those nights.
in recent years work and other obligations have kept me from attending decoration.
the last year i went was shortly after my aunt died.
the family was still there.
we still walked the rows of graves.
when we reached hers, my father cried.
an event that i can count the number of times
i've witnessed in my life on one hand.
he said something that struck me as odd at the time
but is much more crystal now.
he said

"i wish i hadnt seen her at the funeral, she didnt look like that"

to him she never looked a day older that 17
even though she was well into her 70s when she passed.
to my father she had been and will always be
his ever doting, beautiful, zealous, big sister full of life and love.

Adomania: sense that the future is arriving too quickly.

growing up when someone said something about the future
 my mind always wandered to the world of hanna-barbara's jetsons

flying cars, robot butlers, lunar vacations, living in outer space
i suppose now part of the child in me still wants to believe in that world
full of fascinating gadgets and unending possibilities new frontiers to explore
but now when i think of the future bradbury's short story
"there will come soft rains" crosses my mind.
a frightening caricature of the jetsons.
bradbury has brought to life sara teasdale's poem in the wake of nuclear war human life has ceased
yet the computer controlled home marches on carrying out its pre-programmed duties indefinitely.
its a sobering thought and speaks volumes on the inevitable self-ruin of man.
the jetsons takes place in the year 2062 and bradburys quiet nightmare takes place in 2026.
49 and 13 years from now and little of hanna-barbra or bradbury's visions ring true.
sure there are a multitude of space-age gadgets
all manners of touch-screen technology and self-parking cars.
no robotic butlers like rosie but a variety of robotic vacuum cleaners
did hit the market a few years back. they were more or less a passing fad.
while there are no lunar vacations, space tourism in a now a reality
for the hefty price of $20-$30 MILLION!
we are living on the edge of the future and its exciting!
but its also scary as hell!

i've always felt i was a bit behind the curb.
as though my peers were miles ahead of me that there was no way i could ever catch up
so why bother running the race at all?
intellectually i think i've actually always been slightly ahead
i was quick to learn and my head was always swiming
with a million or so ideas from all the books i'd read
but socially i was one awkward turtle.
when i was younger i was very talkative
and thought i was the most important person in the world
my mother received several school phone calls regarding my inability to shut up.
but as i got older the world around me seemed so much more vast more so than i ever imagined
and suddenly i felt very small and unimportant.
i began comparing myself to everyone i met and i never felt like i measured up.
i didnt go on camp outs or sleep overs didnt really participate in any extracuriculars
i read lived in books
didnt have many friends, didnt date much,
public speaking was an instrument of torture worthy of the Inquisition.
i never really knew what i wanted to be when i grew up
well admittedly i did have an inexplicable conviction when i was 5 to be a ballerina
i was very resolute in that decison--dont worry it only lasted about 3 weeks..
during the height of my most angst ridden years i was terribly cynical. much more than i am now.
i had a haughty disdain for the majority of my graduating class.
the pep rallies at the high school i attended
for some asinine reason were compulsory.
they were held during school hours and all of the exits were well guarded.
so imprisoned in the bleachers while everyone cheered for our losing football team,
i would play a game in my head to pass the time.
i would look at whatever overly perky cheerleader, jock, club president etc.
that happened to be in the limelight at the moment
and i would imagine where they would be in ten years.
my condescending 17 year old self always jumped to
barefoot and pregnant, bald and unemployed,
living in parents basement still reliving high school glories.
i mean my gods! they made my life miserable!
i was getting out of this place and never going to see any of them again.
a blink or two of the eyes and all those people who i imagined
"made my life miserable"
for the most part have graduated college with viable degrees and careers
and happy marriages with 2+ kids
and are generally productive members of society mortgages and all.
i made a half-assed attempt at going to college and "finding myself"
it didnt take.
i've traveled a bit but i still live 20 miles from where i grew up
worked a few dead in jobs
dated all the wrong people
all of this i've been politely ignoring as i go about my day to day
waiting for my real life to begin...
when i turn five i can do_____
when i turn fifteen i'll _____
when i turn 25 im going to be_____

gabriel garcia marquez said
  "people spend a lifetime thinking about how they would really like to live"

i dont know what i thought it was going to be like
just that its not supposed to be like this.
i guess i always figured at some point i would know where i was supposed to be
that everything would suddenly make sense
that i would "find my place in the world"

i've been idle too long.
the future is arriving too quickly
and the streaks of grey in my hair tell me that i can not ignore it any longer.

  

alimento-mori- the insomnia borne jolt of awareness that you will die.